BART

There is one reason (not including my intense phobia of germs and disease or my fear that an earthquake will hit as I am riding through the tube to the East Bay) I don't like riding BART: people who stand obnoxiously and unnecessarily close to me.

I don't sit on BART. Why you ask? Mainly, because those cushiony seats look to me like giant sponges filled with bacteria and, quite possibly, urine. So, I stand. I understand that people have to squeeze in on crowded trains, but what about uncrowded trains? My thought is, if I can feel you breathing on me, and you don't seem to have a good reason to, and I don't know you, I hate you.

This is a warning to that guy who thought it a good idea to invade my space on my way to Berkeley last weekend; next time you might not be so lucky (Note: most people will tell you that I am all talk. This is true.).

Potty Mouth

I should have known I was in trouble when the man in the row in front of me said, "Kasey, please don't say the same thing over and over again" and little Kasey replied, "Why Daddy, why Daddy, why daddy, why?" Kasey talked in a really loud and whiny voice, which I'm sure is normal for a two year old, but is, nonetheless, quite annoying on a crowded airplane. After about three hours, Kasey and his mom went to the bathroom. When they came back, Kasey's mom said to Kasey's dad, "guess who went potty in the toilet?" My guess was Kasey.

Kasey was super psyched. So psyched in fact that he spent almost the entire remaining 2.5 hours on the plane singing songs he created about the potty. The lyrics to my favorite were something like, "potty. potty. kasey used the potty. mommy was there too. potty." It was a pretty magical song, similar to some of Bob Dylan's greatest works. Luckily, as we were making our initial approach, Kasey stopped singing. I think this was because it got in the way of his crying and blood curdling screams. As we touched down at SFO, little Kasey drifted off to sleep (for about five minutes before he remembered how much fun screaming is).

Query

Another interesting search has led someone to my blog: Maria Shriver and Roy Horn.

Who searches for Roy Horn and Maria Shriver at the same time and why? Have they been on tour together? Are they having a secret affair that could crush Arnold and Siegfried? Tell me...I need to know.

Tour Dates

You may have heard the buzz on MTV News, and its all true. The Stuff in my Head Blog Author and Creative Mastermind, Renee, is going on tour. Catch her if you can in a city near you:

May 23- May 28 - Hollywood, Florida (SOLD OUT)
June 6 - June 8 - Mahwah, New Jersey (Tickets still available)
June 9 - TBD - New York City (contact us for exact dates)
June 28 - TBD - Cerritos, California
July 19 - July 22 - Denver, Colorado
Aug 2 - Aug 6 - various cities

These are only some of the stops Renee will be making on her Summer '04 concert tour. Contact us to find out if she'll be in your town this summer.

Shut Up

So, it wasn't bad enough that I was sitting in the very last row of the plane traveling from Washington D.C. to San Francisco (a five hour flight) and we were expecting turbulence, but my seat mate was determined to be my best friend. He did that staring until we made eye contact thing that instead of being friendly, as I'm sure he intended, ended up being creepy. I tried watching a movie, but when he learned that we were watching the same movie he decided to chat me up about it. I never removed my headphones. Then I tried doing some work. "Whatcha doing," he asked. "Working," I replied. He decided to chat me up about that too. I was still wearing my headphones. I decided to take a short nap, with my headphones on for added security, and as I dozed off he asked me if I was tired.

Nothing stops a plane talker. Not working. Not headphones. Not even snoring. When I arrived at SFO, I had learned that, among other things, the plane talker had begun his travels that morning in Germany and I thought, thank God I didn't have to sit next to him on that flight.

The Ride Home

What better way to get home after a long day then by taxi? Foot, train, maybe bike, I'm sure there are others...and here's why.

The taxi driver managed to talk the entire ride home. At one point, he asked me a question about reception and when I began to answer he interrupted me and answered it himself. It started out by him telling me that I looked "fresh." He offered little clarification for that comment, but he did keep on talking. After singing to himself (loudly), he became really focused on one topic...cell phones. "What cell phone company do you have?" "Do you like them?" "I have Sprint and I got this phone (pulls out phone which he proceeds to throw at me as he slams on the breaks) then I called them and told them I lost it and they said they would send me a new phone because I have insurance and then they turned this one off, so now, I've got no phone...bastards." Never mind that had he not lied about losing the phone in the first place he wouldn't be in this predicament. He then went on to explain the difference between cellular providers, "with Metro it goes doot doot doooooot for about 10 seconds, with Sprint its like choo choooo for 3-4 seconds, but with AT&T no doot or choo, you just talk." "So, should I switch to AT&T?" "My phone has a camera with flash, will my new phone?" Oh dear...I felt like I was trapped in a never-ending commercial for cell phones and ADD medication.

Can you hear me now? Good Lord.

Got Milk?

Ok, so this whole low to no carb thing has gotten a bit out of hand. I rolled my eyes when people started telling me that I shouldn't be eating that plain baked potato. I laughed when they introduced low carb doughnuts (I mean, really, if you can't give up doughnuts, don't you think carbs aren't the real issue). This morning, I was left expressionless when I saw an advertisement for low-carb milk. Remember when milk used to do a body good? I do. Of course I still remember when orange juice was good for you. Now, there's a low carb version of that too. Most of the fruits and vegetables that you love are now a no-no. Pretty soon vitamins will be on the bad list too. Next thing ya know, they'll be coming out with oxygen free air and hydrogen free water. When will this craziness end...probably not until someone tries to stop the world from eating bacon...because everyone loves bacon.

Vultures

Many people know that I am deathly terrified of only a few things in this world...clowns and pigeons (I have no idea what I would do if a pigeon dressed as a clown approached me). That said, there are a ton of things that I am mildly afraid of. One of those things is the baggage claim. Now, it's not the rotating device that looks as if it could remove a limb if it chose to that scares me. It's not that frightening buzzer sound that not only alerts you that the man-eating rotating device is beginning its deathly whirl, but also gives you a mild heart attack in the process that keeps me awake at night. And it's not the conveyor belt that whips out several pieces of similar looking luggage onto that horrid man-eating rotating device that gives me goose bumps.

What really scares the crap out of me are the hundreds of people who, unfortunately, all own black garment bags and don't know how to say excuse me. They, without fail, stand near the rear of the pack and when the first Tumi bag rolls out, they dive. No, it's not their's and yes, you now have a slight concussion and 18 bruises.

I can only imagine one thing worse than waiting for your baggage surrounded by vultures...waiting for your baggage surrounded by pigeons dressed as clowns.

Roy Who? What Tiger?

What ever happened to Roy Horn? A few months ago we were getting an update a minute. The second he responded to voices, we knew. When he declared that a full recovery was on the way, we were right there with him. But all of that has changed. For all we know, he could be doing the Tango with one of his Tigers in Mexico and we would be none the wiser. Earlier today I stopped by the Siegfried and Roy webpage, but nothing was said about Roy's current status...as a matter of fact I couldn't find anything about the accident that ended it all. Are they trying to hide something? We need to know. What's going on with Roy?

CMG

So, I haven't written in a while, but something has been on my mind since well before Easter. It's the creepy mail guy ("CMG"). I'm reminded of it a few times a day...mail time and it really bugs the hell out of me. Maybe its because I'm a horrible impatient person or maybe its because I don't like people standing quietly in my office and staring at me...either way it must be known, the new mail guy has got to go. At first I just thought he was really bad at delivering mail, but now I realize it is so much more. In case you're wondering if your mail guy warrants the initials CMG, check the symptoms below:

1. He insists on talking to you...even if you're on the phone he feels the need to throw in a "g'day" or an "are you eating lunch."
2. He just doesn't know where to put the mail. Apparently, the whole idea of the in-box has not struck him.
3. He stands just inside the door and stares at you until you notice him.
4. He enters your office quietly, so as not to disturb you, but doesn't realize that hovering over you while you try to do work might actually be somewhat disturbing.
5. By the time he finishes one mail run, it's time for the next.
6. He just gives you the hebejebes.

If your mail guy fits this description...I'm sorry.

WWJD


On the occasion of Easter I thought I would take a second to talk about how freakin' lazy people are. It's bad enough that we spend more time watching television than reading books, but apparently, we are also incapable of making decisions for ourselves. What Would Jesus Do? What a cop out. It is clear to me that this a poor attempt to pass the blame for our bad decisions on to the Lord. Is Jesus asking us what we would do? No. So, maybe we should suck it up and make our own damn decisions.

Besides, I'm sure half the time Jesus would say, "What would I do? I wouldn't have gotten myself into this pickle in the first place."

The Mind of the Fifth Grader

Today I spoke to a classroom of excited fifth graders about being a lawyer. I had an entire presentation planned, but two minutes in, after my spiel on my name and background, a hand shot into the air. "Have you ever been on television?" "Are you R, Kelly's lawyer? Michael Jackson? Our teacher's" "What happens if when you swear to tell the truth you cross your fingers behind your back?" What if you tell on your friends in court, can they kill you?" I had not anticipated this level of student involvement. Questions ranged from the mundane "how old were you when you became a lawyer" to the weird "what steps does a person have to take to get emancipated," to the downright scary, "how long would a person have to go to jail for stabbing someone if they already had two strikes...just wondering." Before I knew it, my hour was up and I walked away sure of only one thing, I had not taught those kids a damn thing about being a lawyer.

********

Office Crime Blotter II

Well, the office hoodlum has struck again. Mr. or Ms. Hoodlum, you might think you're sneaky spacing out your crimes several months apart, but I, my friend, am on to you...and so is Frank K, the victim. Today Frank entered his office only to find that approximately five dollars in quarters had been removed from his quarter cup. We have not had a chance to dust for fingerprints and Frank has not yet ruined the crime scene, so a full investigation will take place. In the meantime, someone is running around with enough quarters to do laundry for a week...or at least once this week. If you see anyone with extremely clean clothing and a jingle in their pocket, please let me know.

Disbarment looms for Ineptitude

Last week, I received my monthly edition of the California Bar Journal. At the top of this month’s publication was a small box that said, “Inside this month: Disbarment looms for ineptitude.” I love the Discipline section. Its like the crime blotter for lawyers. The lead discipline story was about a man said to have “significantly harmed his clients and the public” who was charged with 34 counts of misconduct. Wow. You’ve got to be really bad...luckily, he can and is still practicing…in Indiana.

One thing that gets me is that when you are suspended, they always require you take the MPRE before they will lift the suspension. If I recall correctly, the secret to passing the MPRE has nothing to do with being moral, but everything to do with knowing what you can get away with. And maybe that’s what we’re trying to teach them; know the line, walk the line, just don’t cross the line, but if you do cross the line, go practice in Indiana.

Sidewalk Sale - Tips for getting good deals

After my sidewalk sale today, I decided to pass on some tips for the potential sidewalk/yard/garage sale customer. These tips are not guaranteed to work, but, in my limited experience, following them can only help you...

Rule # 1 - Dude, be flexible.
The sale was scheduled to begin at 10:00 in the morning. At a little before 10, which was really 9 thanks to Daylight Savings Time, I began to set up. I had just begun bringing down the merchandise, when two very cranky and very old men approached. One says, "it's 10, where's the stuff?" I reply, "I'm just setting up." He responds, "wasn't it supposed to start at 10." While it was supposed to start at 10, I figured 5 minutes wouldn't kill anyone. Boy, was I wrong. After perusing and offering $0.50 for a working toaster over, the two old men left with a third old man, whom they met at my sale, in the third guy's minivan...they were going to find other sales...presumably sales with toaster ovens for fifty cents. I can only hope, for their sakes, that they started on time.

Rule # 2 - Don't say freaky things.
It was a crappy day, so I spent a lot of time sitting in a chair reading. All of a sudden a man approached and said, "Nothing but the chirps of the birds and the occasional pitter-patter of footsteps, makes this a good day for a read. Are you selling any records?" Uh...no.

Rule # 3 - Don't keep driving by as if you are a stalker
Remember the old guy with the minivan? Well, he drove buy approximately 10 times. I'm not sure what he was looking for, but he wasn't finding it...perhaps he thought I was saving the good stuff for later, maybe he was lost...most definitely, he was creepy.

Rule #4 - This ain't a used car lot
If someone is selling a working window fan for $4 when it would cost you upwards of $25 to buy a new one in the store, don't haggle them. Just pay the stinkin' $4. I'm not saying I'm not willing to make a deal, but be reasonable, cheapskate.

Hopefully, these tips will help you edge out the competition and take home the cheapest crap there is. Good luck!

Just Sit Down Already

For the past couple of days there has been a new woman in the office. I don't know her name. I don't know anything about her except that, apparently, she can't keep still. I'm not saying that people have to sit at their desks and work, work, work, but the amount of travel this woman does is amazing. You'd think she was training to walk a marathon and you'd also think that her training involved several very short walks. Yesterday, she walked past my office approximately 50 times (this estimate separates each leg of the trip). Today, keep in mind that it is only 11:29, she has walked past at least 10 times.

Where is she going? Why can't she sit down for more than two minutes? Why must she keep passing my office? Doesn't all of this walking tire her out? How can she get any work done when she is constantly up for a stroll? Why doesn't she get a good pair of walking shoes?

Boob Stuff

I often wonder how people come upon my webpage. And by people, I mean the ones I don't know personally. Well, today I got my answer. Apparently, you can get to my blog by searching for "boob stuff" on the Yahoo search engine. This begs a myriad of questions:

1. Who searches for "boob stuff?"
2. What does one expect to find when searching for "boob stuff?"
3. How disappointed are you to come across my webpage during a search for "boob stuff?"
4. What other things can be found during a "boob stuff" search?

If you are the "boob stuff" searcher, please answer these questions for me. I really need to know.

Isn't Tomato Bisque just Cream of Tomato Soup?

I would posit that it is. My stomach would agree. Yesterday, the San Francisco Soup Company duped me. I was going to get the Butternut Squash, but Tomato Bisque just sounded so damn fancy and delicious. It wasn't.

I hate when people give something a new fancier name just to make you believe it's better than it is. Isn't "Kitchen Fresh Chicken" the same old crap from before? I guess if you consider the local KFC a kitchen and you consider fried things to be fresh, they're on to something. The question is, who now thinks, "I should eat healthy tonight. I'll have some fried chicken."

And isn't P. Diddy just Sean "Puffy" Combs? Who wasn't excited by the thought of what "P. Diddy" could bring us? More bling? No, the same old Cristal and hip-hop as before. Who didn't wonder if that "P" stood for Puffy and whether the "Diddy" was going to be the new word for Daddy? Who's he trying to fool? J. Lo? Does he think she will think he is a new man now? As if she'd say, "Well, he did change his name. I'm sure he doesn't carry weapons into nightclubs anymore."

And, perhaps most disturbingly, isn't a low-carb beer just a crappy watered down beverage? I mean really, if you're trying to be healthy or lose weight, just don't drink beer.

Stupid Person of the Month

This month's queen of the stupid people is Omarosa from the Apprentice. She has single handedly answered my question, "do stupid people realize that they're stupid?" Clearly, they do not. When Ereka, not too bright herself, said to Omarosa, "that's like calling the kettle black." Omarosa replied, "There you go with you racist comments. What did you just say about Black people?" Apparently, Omarosa has never seen a pot or a kettle.

Dairy

So, today my friend made a comment to me about how everyone thinks they are lactose intolerant. And I'm wondering, is this the new hip thing, kind of like how pink is the new black, or old is the new new? And, if it is, what is it replacing? What affliction did everyone used to think they had? Are we going to start seeing "Got Soy" ads everywhere? Will I have to fake illness after eating cheese fondue to be considered cool? Will I have to refrain from eating cheese in public because of this?

Last week, my milkshake brought all the boys to the yard. This week my milkshake will, apparently, make all the cool boys sick, so instead, we all have to wear old pink clothes while sipping soy lattes at Peet's - because it's always cool to hate Starbucks.

What will be next?

Love

So, I'm in a cab last night, a Yellow Cab to be exact. Another Yellow Cab pulls up next to us. I look over. The driver is flicking us off. My driver, a man who likes to describe most weeknights as "slooooow as hell," rolls down the window and says, "Hey, there's a lady on board, bitch." He then rolls the window back up, turns to me, smiles, and says, "the people here are so friendly. I love it." I could tell he meant it.