Elevator Etiquette

A new company just moved into our office building and its employees apparently never learned how to use an elevator. I've decided to put together a list of tips to help them and my co-workers cope during this tough transition.

To the new people -
1) When you are waiting in the elevator lobby. Please don't push the button just before the doors to the elevator close. The doors will not close and everyone inside will be mad. Don't worry, there are several elevators and another one will be down shortly.
2) It is a misconception that 8 people can easily and comfortably fit into an elevator where 5 people are already standing. Again, it is important to remember that there are several elevators and another one will be down shortly.
3) When waiting for the elevator, don't push the button after someone else has just pushed the button. You, unfortunately, do not have the magic touch that will make the elevator come faster. In fact, your second push is more likely to piss off the elevator and make it come slower.

To the old people -
I only have one piece of advice for you:
When someone tries to get into an elevator when the doors are closing, I have found that a good tactic is to either pretend like you can't find the "door open" button by extending your index finger and looking frantically in the direction of the buttons or, in extreme situations, to actually push the "door close" button while pretending that you believe you are actually pushing the door open button (the latter will speed up the door closing process, so others won't even be able to manually catch the elevator with a hand or foot).

Good luck and happy riding!

Missed Connections...Literally

A few posts back I wrote about Craiglists' Missed Connections. A couple of days ago, I realized why I could never write one. No one would ever respond. Here are some examples:

Example #1
Are you the blonde haired guy who was on the K train during rush hour Tuesday morning? I'd love to meet up in person so I could punch you in the face and explain through violence why you shouldn't have pushed that older lady off the train.

Example #2
Are you the brown haired man who was driving the fancy Mercedes down the Embarcadero yesterday afternoon. I thought it was real cool how you almost took out two pedestrians by ignoring the traffic light and turning while they had the right of way. It'd be totally awesome if we could meet at a coffee shop where I could get coffee after kicking you in the shins.

One-piece Wonder

I went to the drycleaners today to drop off a pair of pants. As I put the pants on the counter the owner said, "just your jumpsuit today." Startled by the thought of owning a jumpsuit, I muttered, "no, it's a pair of pants." I have never thought of myself as a person who looks like she owns/wears jumpsuits, but maybe I've always been wrong.