CMG
So, I haven't written in a while, but something has been on my mind since well before Easter. It's the creepy mail guy ("CMG"). I'm reminded of it a few times a day...mail time and it really bugs the hell out of me. Maybe its because I'm a horrible impatient person or maybe its because I don't like people standing quietly in my office and staring at me...either way it must be known, the new mail guy has got to go. At first I just thought he was really bad at delivering mail, but now I realize it is so much more. In case you're wondering if your mail guy warrants the initials CMG, check the symptoms below:
1. He insists on talking to you...even if you're on the phone he feels the need to throw in a "g'day" or an "are you eating lunch."
2. He just doesn't know where to put the mail. Apparently, the whole idea of the in-box has not struck him.
3. He stands just inside the door and stares at you until you notice him.
4. He enters your office quietly, so as not to disturb you, but doesn't realize that hovering over you while you try to do work might actually be somewhat disturbing.
5. By the time he finishes one mail run, it's time for the next.
6. He just gives you the hebejebes.
If your mail guy fits this description...I'm sorry.
28 April 2004
11 April 2004
WWJD
On the occasion of Easter I thought I would take a second to talk about how freakin' lazy people are. It's bad enough that we spend more time watching television than reading books, but apparently, we are also incapable of making decisions for ourselves. What Would Jesus Do? What a cop out. It is clear to me that this a poor attempt to pass the blame for our bad decisions on to the Lord. Is Jesus asking us what we would do? No. So, maybe we should suck it up and make our own damn decisions.
Besides, I'm sure half the time Jesus would say, "What would I do? I wouldn't have gotten myself into this pickle in the first place."
On the occasion of Easter I thought I would take a second to talk about how freakin' lazy people are. It's bad enough that we spend more time watching television than reading books, but apparently, we are also incapable of making decisions for ourselves. What Would Jesus Do? What a cop out. It is clear to me that this a poor attempt to pass the blame for our bad decisions on to the Lord. Is Jesus asking us what we would do? No. So, maybe we should suck it up and make our own damn decisions.
Besides, I'm sure half the time Jesus would say, "What would I do? I wouldn't have gotten myself into this pickle in the first place."
07 April 2004
The Mind of the Fifth Grader
Today I spoke to a classroom of excited fifth graders about being a lawyer. I had an entire presentation planned, but two minutes in, after my spiel on my name and background, a hand shot into the air. "Have you ever been on television?" "Are you R, Kelly's lawyer? Michael Jackson? Our teacher's" "What happens if when you swear to tell the truth you cross your fingers behind your back?" What if you tell on your friends in court, can they kill you?" I had not anticipated this level of student involvement. Questions ranged from the mundane "how old were you when you became a lawyer" to the weird "what steps does a person have to take to get emancipated," to the downright scary, "how long would a person have to go to jail for stabbing someone if they already had two strikes...just wondering." Before I knew it, my hour was up and I walked away sure of only one thing, I had not taught those kids a damn thing about being a lawyer.
********
Office Crime Blotter II
Well, the office hoodlum has struck again. Mr. or Ms. Hoodlum, you might think you're sneaky spacing out your crimes several months apart, but I, my friend, am on to you...and so is Frank K, the victim. Today Frank entered his office only to find that approximately five dollars in quarters had been removed from his quarter cup. We have not had a chance to dust for fingerprints and Frank has not yet ruined the crime scene, so a full investigation will take place. In the meantime, someone is running around with enough quarters to do laundry for a week...or at least once this week. If you see anyone with extremely clean clothing and a jingle in their pocket, please let me know.
Today I spoke to a classroom of excited fifth graders about being a lawyer. I had an entire presentation planned, but two minutes in, after my spiel on my name and background, a hand shot into the air. "Have you ever been on television?" "Are you R, Kelly's lawyer? Michael Jackson? Our teacher's" "What happens if when you swear to tell the truth you cross your fingers behind your back?" What if you tell on your friends in court, can they kill you?" I had not anticipated this level of student involvement. Questions ranged from the mundane "how old were you when you became a lawyer" to the weird "what steps does a person have to take to get emancipated," to the downright scary, "how long would a person have to go to jail for stabbing someone if they already had two strikes...just wondering." Before I knew it, my hour was up and I walked away sure of only one thing, I had not taught those kids a damn thing about being a lawyer.
********
Office Crime Blotter II
Well, the office hoodlum has struck again. Mr. or Ms. Hoodlum, you might think you're sneaky spacing out your crimes several months apart, but I, my friend, am on to you...and so is Frank K, the victim. Today Frank entered his office only to find that approximately five dollars in quarters had been removed from his quarter cup. We have not had a chance to dust for fingerprints and Frank has not yet ruined the crime scene, so a full investigation will take place. In the meantime, someone is running around with enough quarters to do laundry for a week...or at least once this week. If you see anyone with extremely clean clothing and a jingle in their pocket, please let me know.
05 April 2004
Disbarment looms for Ineptitude
Last week, I received my monthly edition of the California Bar Journal. At the top of this month’s publication was a small box that said, “Inside this month: Disbarment looms for ineptitude.” I love the Discipline section. Its like the crime blotter for lawyers. The lead discipline story was about a man said to have “significantly harmed his clients and the public” who was charged with 34 counts of misconduct. Wow. You’ve got to be really bad...luckily, he can and is still practicing…in Indiana.
One thing that gets me is that when you are suspended, they always require you take the MPRE before they will lift the suspension. If I recall correctly, the secret to passing the MPRE has nothing to do with being moral, but everything to do with knowing what you can get away with. And maybe that’s what we’re trying to teach them; know the line, walk the line, just don’t cross the line, but if you do cross the line, go practice in Indiana.
Last week, I received my monthly edition of the California Bar Journal. At the top of this month’s publication was a small box that said, “Inside this month: Disbarment looms for ineptitude.” I love the Discipline section. Its like the crime blotter for lawyers. The lead discipline story was about a man said to have “significantly harmed his clients and the public” who was charged with 34 counts of misconduct. Wow. You’ve got to be really bad...luckily, he can and is still practicing…in Indiana.
One thing that gets me is that when you are suspended, they always require you take the MPRE before they will lift the suspension. If I recall correctly, the secret to passing the MPRE has nothing to do with being moral, but everything to do with knowing what you can get away with. And maybe that’s what we’re trying to teach them; know the line, walk the line, just don’t cross the line, but if you do cross the line, go practice in Indiana.
04 April 2004
Sidewalk Sale - Tips for getting good deals
After my sidewalk sale today, I decided to pass on some tips for the potential sidewalk/yard/garage sale customer. These tips are not guaranteed to work, but, in my limited experience, following them can only help you...
Rule # 1 - Dude, be flexible.
The sale was scheduled to begin at 10:00 in the morning. At a little before 10, which was really 9 thanks to Daylight Savings Time, I began to set up. I had just begun bringing down the merchandise, when two very cranky and very old men approached. One says, "it's 10, where's the stuff?" I reply, "I'm just setting up." He responds, "wasn't it supposed to start at 10." While it was supposed to start at 10, I figured 5 minutes wouldn't kill anyone. Boy, was I wrong. After perusing and offering $0.50 for a working toaster over, the two old men left with a third old man, whom they met at my sale, in the third guy's minivan...they were going to find other sales...presumably sales with toaster ovens for fifty cents. I can only hope, for their sakes, that they started on time.
Rule # 2 - Don't say freaky things.
It was a crappy day, so I spent a lot of time sitting in a chair reading. All of a sudden a man approached and said, "Nothing but the chirps of the birds and the occasional pitter-patter of footsteps, makes this a good day for a read. Are you selling any records?" Uh...no.
Rule # 3 - Don't keep driving by as if you are a stalker
Remember the old guy with the minivan? Well, he drove buy approximately 10 times. I'm not sure what he was looking for, but he wasn't finding it...perhaps he thought I was saving the good stuff for later, maybe he was lost...most definitely, he was creepy.
Rule #4 - This ain't a used car lot
If someone is selling a working window fan for $4 when it would cost you upwards of $25 to buy a new one in the store, don't haggle them. Just pay the stinkin' $4. I'm not saying I'm not willing to make a deal, but be reasonable, cheapskate.
Hopefully, these tips will help you edge out the competition and take home the cheapest crap there is. Good luck!
After my sidewalk sale today, I decided to pass on some tips for the potential sidewalk/yard/garage sale customer. These tips are not guaranteed to work, but, in my limited experience, following them can only help you...
Rule # 1 - Dude, be flexible.
The sale was scheduled to begin at 10:00 in the morning. At a little before 10, which was really 9 thanks to Daylight Savings Time, I began to set up. I had just begun bringing down the merchandise, when two very cranky and very old men approached. One says, "it's 10, where's the stuff?" I reply, "I'm just setting up." He responds, "wasn't it supposed to start at 10." While it was supposed to start at 10, I figured 5 minutes wouldn't kill anyone. Boy, was I wrong. After perusing and offering $0.50 for a working toaster over, the two old men left with a third old man, whom they met at my sale, in the third guy's minivan...they were going to find other sales...presumably sales with toaster ovens for fifty cents. I can only hope, for their sakes, that they started on time.
Rule # 2 - Don't say freaky things.
It was a crappy day, so I spent a lot of time sitting in a chair reading. All of a sudden a man approached and said, "Nothing but the chirps of the birds and the occasional pitter-patter of footsteps, makes this a good day for a read. Are you selling any records?" Uh...no.
Rule # 3 - Don't keep driving by as if you are a stalker
Remember the old guy with the minivan? Well, he drove buy approximately 10 times. I'm not sure what he was looking for, but he wasn't finding it...perhaps he thought I was saving the good stuff for later, maybe he was lost...most definitely, he was creepy.
Rule #4 - This ain't a used car lot
If someone is selling a working window fan for $4 when it would cost you upwards of $25 to buy a new one in the store, don't haggle them. Just pay the stinkin' $4. I'm not saying I'm not willing to make a deal, but be reasonable, cheapskate.
Hopefully, these tips will help you edge out the competition and take home the cheapest crap there is. Good luck!
01 April 2004
Just Sit Down Already
For the past couple of days there has been a new woman in the office. I don't know her name. I don't know anything about her except that, apparently, she can't keep still. I'm not saying that people have to sit at their desks and work, work, work, but the amount of travel this woman does is amazing. You'd think she was training to walk a marathon and you'd also think that her training involved several very short walks. Yesterday, she walked past my office approximately 50 times (this estimate separates each leg of the trip). Today, keep in mind that it is only 11:29, she has walked past at least 10 times.
Where is she going? Why can't she sit down for more than two minutes? Why must she keep passing my office? Doesn't all of this walking tire her out? How can she get any work done when she is constantly up for a stroll? Why doesn't she get a good pair of walking shoes?
For the past couple of days there has been a new woman in the office. I don't know her name. I don't know anything about her except that, apparently, she can't keep still. I'm not saying that people have to sit at their desks and work, work, work, but the amount of travel this woman does is amazing. You'd think she was training to walk a marathon and you'd also think that her training involved several very short walks. Yesterday, she walked past my office approximately 50 times (this estimate separates each leg of the trip). Today, keep in mind that it is only 11:29, she has walked past at least 10 times.
Where is she going? Why can't she sit down for more than two minutes? Why must she keep passing my office? Doesn't all of this walking tire her out? How can she get any work done when she is constantly up for a stroll? Why doesn't she get a good pair of walking shoes?
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